Right after D-day I was a basket case. To be honest, for several months I was a basket case. It took me a full week to even share with my family because looking back I believe I was in shock and thought it would all work out.
I looked online to find people who had gone through this so I could get some advice. I’ve never known anyone who had gone through infidelity, so I went in search of strangers. I happened upon a website called survivinginfidelity.com and I have to admit it really helped me early on.
I usually went to the divorce/separation forum because it was my situation but they do have a reconciliation forum also, along with numerous other ones.
They have an archive of great posts and I’m going to share one with you. It was written by someone with the username Jrazz. If you are out there, I want to thank you. This post gave me a lot of hope and my wish is it does the same for you. It’s kind of long but a great read in my opinion.
Here it is: For all of us, especially those who have Just Found Out that the person they are supposed to trust the most on this planet betrayed them, there are a lot of questions.
The range of these questions varies depending on the type, duration, and nature of betrayal, but the one question that burns in EVERYONE’s heart and mind is this:
Am I going to be ok?
This question is asked of those who have gone before us, and we are not only hoping for tips and tricks on how to heal, but some sort of timeline or goal so that we can mark our calendars out for the day when the bleeding stops and the sun comes back out. For some, peace can come in a matter of months. For most, it takes years… but the good news is that it is always possible. It is ABSOLUTELY possible to heal from this and to feel happiness again.
I can’t tell you where you’re going to be in a year, or the standard 2-5 years we’ve all come to depend on for our sanity to return and our lives to once again feel “right.” I can tell you that as I look at the number 9,999 in regards to how many times I’ve posted thoughts or feelings on this website, I see almost ten-thousand steps towards healing. Whether they were posts pleading for someone to tell me why this happened, posts venting about the unfairness of the situation and ugliness of the players, or posts about something that surprisingly brought me a feeling of joy I was scared didn’t exist anymore… each one was a step of growth. Progress. Healing.
As I look back at my time here, I see how much I’ve gained in terms of outlook on the human condition – mine especially. You hear that self-esteem has to come from within, you technically know it’s true, but it’s not until you have your entire world burned to the ground and you stand alone with nobody to catch you that you realize you are not only solely responsible for your own self-worth and happiness, but that you have the power to control both of these things.
Every day that we are here we are adding to our arsenal of personal strength and well being. We learn how to take care of our health like we should have all along. We learn that we are worthy of kindness and compassion, and we are reminded that showing compassion to others is always of mutual benefit. We learn that by not giving our emotions and time to the selfish leaves more energy for the worthy.
The pinnacle of this education, for me, has been the knowledge that our worst fears can come to fruition at any moment, and we can get through it. This betrayal is most certainly on par with any other life tragedy that one may face. We’re terrified of betrayal on a whole, and when it hits it’s just as bad if not worse than we imagined. But then something remarkable happens – the world keeps turning. Kids make us laugh. Pets kiss our faces. We perform something artfully, or skillfully and we feel pride in our action. We live – and we have the opportunity to live well again.
THIS is invaluable, and gives us a boost that those who have not yet suffered such a life pitfall are still lacking. We are part of a secret society who has gained crisis-management skills that will benefit us throughout our lives. Now, when faced with things like betrayal, death, financial hardship, illness, or any other emergency, we have a new outlook. We know we can survive, and instead of dropping to our knees in surrender we reach into our bag of strength for the tools we assuredly know exist because we developed them here.
YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK. THOUSANDS OF US ARE HERE TO TELL YOU SO.
I promise that if you try to reach inside yourself for that strength, it will be there. It grows every day. Every drink of water you take when you want to give up is strength. Every kindness you extend to someone you don’t particularly care for will build you up. Every time you look in the mirror and say, “I am good. I am worthy.” you will be building up a foundation of believing that – and rightly so.
It’s going to be ok.
After reading this once again….damn I hope to be able to write like this one day. Or at the very least, touch one persons soul like this did for me and know it was all worth it.
Peace my friends.