I’ll admit that I occasionally googled his name or checked his social media.

I liked to keep tabs on him.

I wanted/needed to know where he lived. A kind of a “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” type of thing.

From what I could gather he had moved south of me to where he once lived. He never stayed in one spot very long.

He always seemed to be trying his silly life coach motivational BS in a new area because I assume it just wasn’t going the way he thought it would so maybe a change of address would help. Who knows.

I asked a friend to check LinkedIn (I’m not on it) and after asking her I googled him again and scrolled.

I saw it but I went right by…and then my brain registered.

It was his obituary.

October 22nd. Found “unresponsive” in his place.

He was 56 and extremely health conscious.

I have my suspicions but I can now put this chapter to rest. I might dig a little bit because I’m curious, but he’s gone.

Not a mention from his family on their SM.

Just a sad ending to a sad person who left people and bodies in his wake.

I’m not sad. I’m really not happy either. I’m apathetic. I had moved on from the anger and the hate. Once I figured out what he was, it all kind of disappeared.

Karma kind of loiters around being lazy and forgetting its job, and sometimes it hits its mark.

Weird how that works.

I remember when I was younger. My teenage years were filled with fun and laughter. I had a circle of friends and my God did we have fun.

I’ve always suffered with low self esteem, but I fought through it and always knew I was a good person. A reliable friend and confident who always seemed to be the guy that others would share things with knowing that I wouldn’t share their secrets.

I only dated a couple girls because my horrible self worth kept me from being more brave, more outgoing. I masked my loneliness with drinking too much which most of us know leads to being unauthentic. It was a way for me to drop my inhibitions and act like someone I wasn’t. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and tell that young lost soul that he didn’t need to do that. That he was enough without the mask of alcohol. That he was empathetic and kind and caring and people liked him.

And then she asked me out.

She was pretty and made me feel lucky. She was socially awkward, but I thought I could bring her into the circle and make her feel like one of the gang.

I fell in love really fast, too fast. She was masterful. I now know what lovebombing is. I felt special. I felt like I was home.

We were just kids, but I kept thinking “I’ll never do better” or “I can’t believe she wants to be with me.”

The isolation started almost immediately. She would want to leave parties early. Make last minute excuses and change our plans so it would be just her and I. I was all in. I couldn’t see what was happening even though my friends were slowly fading away. She was enough, we were enough.

It took decades for the mask to finally slip and I saw her for what she is. It took a 3 decade marriage being destroyed by her for me to wake up.

I’ve often thought about what my life would’ve been like if I would’ve simply said no to that square dance (don’t laugh.)

Would I have found someone else? Would I have moved across the country and pursued other opportunities? Would I have had several marriages and never been happy? I’ll never know these answers.

One of the things that bothers me now is my inability to reconnect with people. Old friends, new friends, even family. I seem to be content just staying home with my dog.

In my opinion when you’re manipulated by someone for that amount of time you lose any semblance of your former self. I can remember him, I just can’t replicate him.

I feel like an outsider. Like someone who doesn’t belong anywhere. Like the former person I was is a character in a book I once read.

So the question is, do I need to find that person again? Or is my current situation enough. I’m incredibly comfortable with being a hermit. I’ve carved out an existence of sleep, work, dog, repeat. I’m not so sure it’s not where I was supposed to be all along.

I feel like I have a lot to offer someone, but it just seems exhausting. It seems risky. It seems foolish. I know that betrayal trauma can cause all these feelings, but I can’t really say it’s all bad. The loneliness has somewhat diminished and the lack of human connection is disturbingly…peaceful.

Are we meant to be social? To surround ourselves with others? To be with someone? I honestly don’t know.

As a comfortable outsider, I must say that sometimes we worry about the threat of isolation on our psyche. For me it’s twofold. I see both sides being equally uncertain.

I could put myself out there and take a chance on finding that special person I was destined to find all along, or continue on with being this content yet confused person I’ve become.

The latter seems more safe.

The former seems more familiar and that has its own history of pain and confusion.

❤️

I just got back from a week of fishing in Canada. I couldn’t go anywhere last year because of rotator cuff surgery so it was much needed and it went way too fast like it always does.

I had to board my dog so I was ready to get back to him…work not so much.

My son (still living at home) informed me he was getting an apartment with a friend. I knew it was coming but with my tendency to (still) self isolate he’s been the one constant that kept me from becoming a hermit. He needs to spread his wings and I’m really proud of him.

I’m still trying to get out more but other than walking my dog, it’s usually just work and home. As I’ve talked about previously I’m content with this lifestyle. I’m not sure it’s healthy, but it’s what I’ve chosen for now.

My granddaughter will be 2 in October so I see her weekly as well as my daughter and SIL. She’s (granddaughter) the spitting image of her Mom and she’s a complete delight.

Speaking of my daughter she recently visited and wanted something from my basement. There’s still a lot of stuff down there that needs purged so I’ve told her that she’s welcome to anything. She was walking around looking and she was just acting “off”. I had a feeling so I asked her what she was looking for. She said “Oh Mom just wanted a couple things and….” I immediately said absolutely not. I once again explained that she had 2 years access to everything but she never came. Call me Petty Crocker but this is once again her way of manipulating our daughter to do her dirty work. She has no right to ask that of her and she needs to realize it. I have boundaries and that’s a huge one.

I need to sit her down and explain how manipulative she can be and it’s a very very slippery slope. She doesn’t see it (I’m guessing) but it took me 3 decades before I saw it.

It’s always a challenge to explain something like this without sounding vindictive or bitter. I’m neither. I’m just holding steady to what I told myself post divorce. She said she wanted nothing to do with this house so I’m simply granting her wish.

I hope everyone is doing well and I don’t always say it but for now this is my therapy so I’m incredibly grateful for those still reading my rants.

Peace to you all.

I heard the above quote today and it brought me back here. I started this blog because I was told to journal about the betrayal and I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to, but I struggled.

I think it’s because whenever I wrote something down I’d just stare at it and think “now what”? I needed feedback.

I wanted someone to hear my pain and my grief and my utter disbelief and maybe comment about how they understand and that they’ve been through it too. It always made me feel vindicated and also sad. Sad that so many of us have gone through this.

It’s been so long now that I don’t need it anymore but people are people and there’s a whole bunch more coming down the pipeline (and always will be) so that quote is something to keep in mind.

It’s about being heard. It’s not about someone who “can’t let it go” or “needs to forgive”. It’s about being heard.

When it happens it’s the loneliest place in the world and having others that take the time to listen and just sit with you is THE most important thing there is. Therapy is a close second, but if you’re lucky enough to have someone that will sacrifice their precious time while you pour out your heart…that’s the stuff that sticks.

Be that person. If you’re far enough along then do it for them.

If you had that person Thank them. Remind them how important it was to you. I had total strangers who turned into dear friends.

Thank you ❤️

I had to share this little tidbit.

I went to Canada on a fishing trip in 2023. One of the guys I went with drove so on our return I ended up at his house. His wife is literally one of the finest people I’ve ever met (along with him) and somehow the ex came up. She acted weird and kind of looked at him and I knew there was a story.

The ex didn’t really know her except to say hi at church but my friend and his family went to this same church their entire lives so she knows all of them.

I pressed and my buddy said “okay, a couple years ago on V-Day I got a text from her saying Happy Valentine’s Day Babe”. Before you speculate he was a client so he was in her phone.

He said he stared at it and then showed his wife like WTF? She then took his phone and texted her back saying “Hey _____ this is ____ . What about me? Where’s my HVD message?

No reply.

Ever since then on Feb. 14th I text him this.

It’s the little things that get you through this I suppose.

Hope everyone is doing well.❤️

It’s been around 6-1/2 years since the betrayal.

If you haven’t gone through it you wouldn’t understand and I completely understand that.

Jesus, he’s still talking about it…he’s still dealing with it….he’s still not healed…he’s still f’ing ruminating…he can’t let it go.

I’m well aware that this is probably the thought process of some people I deal with. I don’t talk about it much in my real life (hence the reason for this blog) but I think it just boils down to the fact that people JUST DON’T GET IT.

I have the supreme honor of being in almost daily contact with those who have gone through partner betrayal and let me tell you, knowing I’m not alone is both a blessing and a curse.

My heart breaks for my friends who have gone through this and I am so grateful that had I not gone through it…I would’ve never met them.

I’m grateful for them and I’m also heartbroken when listening to them.

I’ve met the most incredible people during this journey and sometimes I think we’re the luckiest people on the planet. We don’t have blinders on. We’re completely aware of what others are capable of, especially those others that we considered our best friend or our confident, or the safest place we could ever think of.

So I say NO. I won’t forget about it. I may put it in its proper place, but I won’t forget it.

I’m afraid if I forget it, I’ll allow it to happen again.

It might, I don’t know. None of us do. But I refuse to let the atrocities that someone else dealt upon me just fade away. It’s not being fair to myself.

My granddaughter turned 1 this past weekend.

I knew the ex would be there. She’s slithered herself back into my daughters life. I hold no ill will towards my daughter. I adore her and I completely understand her willingness to perhaps not forgive her mother’s actions but to simply want that connection that I’m guessing new moms want to have with their mother.

It’s completely understandable especially since I never had to deal with that kind of thing when my kids were born. I can’t even imagine what that would be like so I just nod and smile when the subject of her babysitting or visiting comes up.

I have to admit that I wasn’t exactly thrilled about being in such a confined space with her for a few hours and I could feel it building as the time grew nearer. This shouldn’t be a thing…having anxiety about your 1st grandchilds birthday but here we are.

My son went about an hour early to take over a few things and then he came home so we could ride together. When he got back he said “you know mom is there right”? I told him that I was aware and he simply said that he was a little surprised and it took him aback. I know he asked because he was warning me.🥹 I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand the ramifications of how this affected my kids, but he definitely remembers how it affected me.

So long story short I just avoided her as much as I could.

No eye contact, no visual or physical acknowledgment of her presence at all.

I did find myself looking at her (acting like the doting grandma) and realizing it was like I was looking at one of my daughter’s neighbors or an acquaintance. It’s just crazy.

I spent 3+ decades with this person and now she’s just a stranger. There’s just nothing left, nothing.

This was a pivotal moment for me. I overthought this entire thing (as usual) and about an hour before I left I was kind of melting down. There was a last minute request by my daughter that didn’t help but it was mostly because this was the smallest space I was going to have to be around her since she left 6 years ago. We’ve been at wedding receptions etc., but you can easily avoid one another in a venue like that. Not so much at this one.

I’ve avoided using the term “healed” when it comes to the last few years and what it’s done to me. I’ve just come to the conclusion that it’s just always going to be a part of me and that’s okay. It’s just life. It’s my life and it’s something that I’ll just have to deal with.

I’m still battling demons and the occasional awful thoughts but it’s getting better everyday.

Seeing my beautiful granddaughter and being around all my kids this past weekend was such a blessing. It was truly a milestone and I’m grateful.

The weather is turning cooler here and winter is on its way so send me warm thoughts and I’ll do the same for you my friends.

Much Love…❤️

A friend of mine lost her husband recently to cancer. He was a lifelong farmer and one of the most genuinely nice people I’ve ever met.

It was a terrible battle and he went from a strong, independent, hardworking man to a gaunt shadow of his former self full of tubes and sores. It was terrible and he fought until the end.

I went to the funeral home and she was an absolute mess. I knew she would be.

They had been married 50 years and they were each others everything. They might’ve been the only couple I’ve ever met that just seemed to be perfect for each other.

She just fell into my arms and was weeping. There’s nothing you can say at those times except “I’m so sorry”. I always feel inadequate but it’s still better than a lot of things well meaning people say.

She knows how my marriage ended and she said into my ear “I would’ve much rather gotten divorced than this”.

I was well aware of the head space she was in so I simply said “I know” as I held her and I could just feel her grief. It was overwhelming.

I got home and thought about what she said and I understand where she was coming from, but I just don’t think she would feel the same way if she could see it through my eyes or the countless others who have been through betrayal.

She took care of him through it all. Feeding tubes, changing bandages, cleaning him, challenging Dr’s when she felt they were not doing their best. She fought for him. And he fought to stay with her.

She’ll never have to see him with another woman.

She’ll never have to avoid driving in certain areas because the AP lives there and the anxiety or anger of possibly seeing them is just too much.

She’ll never have to see her kids affected by the choice of their father.

She’ll never have to have those awkward conversations with people who know or see their side eye and leaning into whisper.

She’ll never have to feel like she wasn’t good enough or somehow she caused it.

She’ll never have to watch the man that she loved and thought she knew turn into someone she wouldn’t recognize because of his actions.

She got to Love him until the very end. You know…the way the fairy tales always talk about. The way the vows are written. The way we probably all think it’s going to be.

I’m not trying to say what she witnessed and had to do wasn’t horrific because it most certainly was and she’s still struggling. I’m only saying that sometimes we just don’t look at the big picture.

She had a loving devoted husband right till the end and he had the same.

If he could still be with her he would be. It wasn’t his choice to leave her.

Cancer sucks.

Betrayal sucks.

People suck.

Dogs are great.

I was invited to a nephews high school graduation party today. It’s her sisters son and I’ve always been grateful to still be included in something that I had a 30+ year relationship with. I was really close with her family and at first they would invite me and not her which (to be honest) was delightful.

They’ve started to include her in things the last year or so and I knew it was inevitable. I never said or even alluded that they shouldn’t. She’s their sister/daughter/sister in law and I get it. Even though what she did was abhorrent I still thought that she did it to me (and my kids) and unless you’ve been through it…you’ll never get it.

I had every intention of going. I bought a card and made sure that my kids knew about their cousins party.

It was only in the last few days that I realized something. I’ve given them the benefit of the doubt because of how her actions affected the entire family, not just us. She changed the entire dynamic of the family structure.

My epiphany was the absolute fact that after about a month everyone went dark. I’d occasionally see them around and they would hug me and ask how I am, but never once did they reach out and ask or invite me over. I was quite surprised by it to be honest.

One sister in law admitted that they were just “making nice” because of their mother.

She’s in her 80’s but is completely cognizant and in good health for her age. They just didn’t want her to see her girls “ganging” up on another one. I never would expect that out of them, ever and I told them such.

I haven’t heard from any of them for a few years other than these invitations. Yes, I could’ve (and did early on) reach out to them only to get a short although nice reply.

Today I know the ex would be there and I just don’t want to be breathing the same air as her. It might seem shallow but after this many years I just have to protect my peace no matter what.

I’ll send the card by mail and sit here not feeling any guilt. The young man of the hour will not miss my presence and I will still be able to go about my day without ruminating.

It’s just mind boggling to me how people can just forget about someone that was family and witnessed their devastation.

I just hope that they never have to go through what I and my family did, but if they do I know how being discarded feels and I’ll be there for them.

Just a reminder, if one of my kids ever does something atrocious don’t treat me like a child.

I turned 60 yesterday.

My day consisted of giving myself some time for a hobby and walking my dog. My kids then took me out to dinner. I adore Mexican food but I don’t eat much of it because of the carbs, but I ignored all of that so I could just enjoy myself with my family and live in the moment.

I held my granddaughter while my daughter ate her meal and it was glorious. I’m not sure if I have mentioned I became a grandfather in October so if I hadn’t, I’m saying it now.🙂

She’s just perfect and it’s everything I thought it would be. She’s tiny like her Mom was and she’s stolen my heart (again like her Mom did.)

I made a post about FB awhile back. How it’s a place where people can be hiding all their secrets while posting pictures of beaches and their adoring spouses. I honestly don’t know why I’m still on there. I post pictures of my dog, kids, and granddaughter but it’s just too much. I’ll give you a couple of examples.

Pretty much everyone that knows me, knows my story. They know she cheated. They know she abandoned her family for some 2bit lifestyle coach and then it all went to shit for those lovebirds.

They know what I went through. I wasn’t blabbering on about it, but I definitely didn’t try and protect her image or not let people know why we were divorced if they asked.

She went dark for close to 5 years on SM. No FB, Instagram, even her own blog on her now defunct business website. She just disappeared. Of course I knew where she was. She’s still living here in the city.

The week my granddaughter was born she showed up on FB again. I knew why because I know how she operates. She would little by little comment on my daughter’s posts and then slowly start showing up more and more until she was just a regular presence, like she’d never left. People have short memories when they’re not directly affected and they give no thought to how it makes the affected ones feel.

I noticed we had a few mutual friends (one is my daughter and son so they get a pass) so of course I looked because if there’s anything I know how to do (and do well) it’s pain shop.

These MF’rs have talked in the DM’s with me early on about how much she hurt me. How much she destroyed our family and how the ramifications have affected our kids. They might be following her just to be able to have a ringside seat in case shit goes sideways with us (it won’t) or it might be the classic“well she was always nice to me” BS, or in case of the couple guys they just might be giving it a shot.

In any event I’m done. I’m not a very social person anyway and it’s just one more time suck I can remove from my life.

I can only think of a couple people I’ll miss. It’s not family because I can still catch up in person…you know the way we used to do it. It’s not friends because if I want you in my life, I’ll have you in my life and not on my phone.

It’s Twitter peeps and a couple groups I’ve joined. It’s just too much though. I’ve come too far to regress back into the hate and the rumination and the constant checking up on the whereabouts of people that turned my world upside down.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope your holiday season is filled with love and trustworthy people.